Susan's Courtroom Humor Page

The following are actual statements made during court cases:

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Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

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From a defendant representing himself:

Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

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Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

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Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand:

Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work?
Plaintiff: Dr. J.
Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?
Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good plaintiff's doctor.

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Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

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Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.

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Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

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Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name. Not a damn thing.

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Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

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Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a jerk, what would you do? Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail. Defendant: What if I thought you were an jerk? Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking. Defendant: In that case, I think you're a jerk.

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A Lawyer Joke:

An old man with three million dollars was on his death bed and called his doctor, his minister, and his lawyer to meet with him in the morning.

When they all arrived, the old man said:

"I know I'm going to die soon , and all my life people have lectured me that one day I would die, and I couldn't take my money with me! Damn it, I am going to prove them wrong! I'm giving each of you one million dollars in cash. Just before I'm buried, I want each of you to slip the million dollars into my coffin."

Sure enough, the old man died the next day. After the services the doctor, minister, and the lawyer sat down together.

The minister started the conversation saying:

"I must confess I was taken by greed and only put three quarters of his money in the coffin."

Then the doctor confessed:

"I understand, Reverend, I too was overcome with greed and I only put five hundred thousand in the coffin."

Whereupon the lawyer responded:

"I'm ashamed at both of you. How could you have not respected the last wishes of a dying man?'

Both the minister and the doctor looked at him in awe until the lawyer finished with:

"I put a check for the full amount in his coffin."